Now We Are Sixteen #1: Poll Position

As the first installment in what is to become a regular series, what follows is a selection from the zine I wrote between ages sixteen and eighteen.

But first, some hawstory:

In 1996 I met Tommy who quickly became (and who remains) one of the most important humans in my life. He secured this position by giving me 1. my first bass guitar and 2. my first (only?!) bass guitar lesson. After forming a band, we started writing a zine together (mostly interviews and record reviews) called Only One Tongue. Each of the 5 issues was completely created over the span of a day spent entirely at Kinko's, typing (on a typewriter!), cutting (with scissors!) and pasting (with Kinko's brand glue stick!). It was a good, creatively rich time in our lives; all our friends were writing and forming bands. It was a state of affairs that it is easy to feel romantic about and swept along by.

However, I'm definitely not posting this to act nostalgic or to hagiograph Ye Olde Halcyon Tymes. All of our bands and zines S-U-C-K-E-D with very few and very rare bright spots. The writing was abysmal (shocker)! I have all the master copies of O1T in my file cabinet and about once yearly I look through them, and of course each year heralds cringing more intensely gnarly than the last's. [A brief rundown of Only One Tongue "high points": I interviewed a lot of bands that are now mostly embarassing, including Bright Eyes. We had our cover printed in Maximum Rock and Roll, twice (at the time, this was the only magazine in the world that I read. To our credit, the zine always looked pretty nice, so it's not shocking that they chose to print our covers considering what most zines look like, i.e. Liquid Paper-soaked turds). And finally: Alison Mosshart wrote a column for us. You: "who?!" Well, she is now the strung out and embarassing junkie-chic singer/chunks-blower in the Kills, but back in '96 she fronted a band called Discount (that we worshipped), drew awesome pictures and was sweet and wonderful. Funnily enough, the things we did that we thought were great at the time (like some of the above) rank among the very worst, and the silly, childish things we did when we were just screwing around (like, say, Chapstick Reviews or interviewing Kinko's employees) survive as the only true caches of gold in the mire. C'est la vie.] I talked to Tommy about this recently, and he said pretty much the perfect thing, which was: "At least we were doing something." True, and none of this naysaying is to say I regret any of it.

Anyway. So why am I posting this? Not to poke fun at myself or our lives back then. Not to say "oh, how did I manage to emerge butterfly-like from such a monstrous coccoon?" because ew. Just basically to say "lol" and "wtf" at life, I guess. There is a (wise)crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.

So, here is a reader's poll that we published in issue one (the results were in issue two, natch). I am not going to comment on all the individual stupid shit, because that is cheating (by the way, I am totally easing into this by posting the LEAST embarassing thing in the entire history of the zine, believe it or not. There is way, way worse to come).

Age:

Sex:

Are you straight-edge?

Do you think that straight-edge should incorporate veganism? Why or Why not?

Are you in a band?

Have you ever put out a zine? Glue or tape?

Fave band of all time?

Fave Rugrat?

Fave zine of all time?

Have you seen the movie Half-Cocked?

How long have you been involved in the punk scene?

Fave Care Bear?

What's your favorite stereotype?

Fave emo-core band?

Fave metal band?

Fave straightedge band?

Fave pop punk band?

Fave indie band?

Fave mainstream band (or funniest)?

Do you hate it when people say fave and not favorite?

Ice or Hammer?

Is there a Kinko's near you? Do you go to it?

Do you love your parents?

Do you read Maximum Rock and Roll? HeartAttack? Flipside? Fizz?

Do you like being in love?

Have you ever watched Twin Peaks?

Do you talk on the phone?

Fave puppet from Mr. Rogers (excluding Mr. Rogers)?

Are you into radical politics?

How many times in your life have you said "Cowabunga"?

Have you ever said "dude" to where it sounds intelligent?

Favorite video game?

Fave Ramone?

Fave Beatle?

Fave book?

If someone paid you to cut your hair into a mullet, would you do it?



[Ok, this is me being 27 again. That was a little more difficult than I thought it would be, especially typing the word "emo-core." Next, a sampling of poll results with a tiny smattering of present-day commentary in brackets. Also, I still have all of the individual polls that were filled out and turned in. If I feel rude enough, maybe I will post some of them, too. A lot of gold there.]



Are you straightedge?

22.7% said yes. [christ]

Do you think that straightedge should incorporate veganism? Why or why not?

Selected answers: "Meat has a bunch of chemicals and hormones that aren't good for you." "Meat is not a drug." [astute] "Straight-edge means drug-free, not meat-free." "I think that the separation of these two movements will ensure their longevity."

Are you in a band?

86% said yes. [salad days, 4 real]

Glue or tape?

One answer: "You can't huff tape."

Are you married?

No - 100%

Favorite band of all time:

The Beatles - 14%

Other answers: [this is amazing] Crass, nomeansno, Heavenly, Culture Club, Genesis, Jawbreaker, Heart, Nine Inch Nails, the grubbies, Black Dog, Emmet Otter's Jug Band, the Clash, Dinosaur Jr., Jesus Jones, the Electric Shoes, and Polvo.

Fave movie:

Star Wars and That Thing You Do!: tied at 9% [!]

Do you hate it when people say fave and not favorite?

Yes - 45%

No - 22%

"Never really people use that term": 4% [note: I understand none of this math]

Are you into radical politics?

No - 54%

Yes - 27%

politics are rad - 9%

cool - 4%

gnarly, dude - 4%

Favorite video game?

Selected answers: "Wiz and Liz", "anything but Wiz and Liz"

Fave Ramone:

Dee Dee - 18%

Joey - 18%

None - 13%

Hate all - 9%

Alan - 4%

Brak - 4%

Zorak - 4%

"the long-haired one" - 4%

Fave book?

[brace yourselves]

The Catcher in the Rye - 9%

The Bible - 9%

People who explicitly answered "none" - 9%



That's mostly it. And I'm sure you'll be happy to know that Tommy swept the coveted "Fave rugrat" category.